Birthday Etiquette Guide for Cheeky Cunts

This month, Kitchen Language is celebrating our 10th Birthday, so we thought we’d keep it Birthday related this month.

Here is our Birthday Etiquette Guide for Cheeky Cunts…you’re fucking welcome.

1. How late can you arrive?

It depends on the type of birthday.

If it’s drinks at a pub, 15 to 30 minutes late is socially acceptable. The birthday person will be busy greeting everyone and probably won’t notice.

If it’s a restaurant booking, arrive on fucking time. 

And if you’re more than half an hour late, send a message. “On my way!”

2. Does cash in a card count as a gift?

Absolutely. Cash is useful, fits everyone and has never needed a gift receipt.

The amount depends on your relationship, your budget and whether the recipient once gave you a $7 candle with the clearance sticker still attached.

Pro Tip: Chuck it in a sweary Kitchen Language birthday card. Handing someone a loose $20 note and saying, “Get yourself something nice,” makes you look like a confused grandparent at the pokies.

3. Do you have to sing “Happy Birthday”?

Unfortunately, yes. Nobody enjoys it, everybody chooses a different key and the birthday person never knows where to look.

But it lasts about 20 seconds, so stop fucking pretending to inspect your phone and join in.

If you’re the person who adds “Hip hip, hooray” at the end, you are now responsible for leading all three. Don’t abandon the group after one weak little hip.

4. When can you leave?

You can leave once you have:

• Said hello to the birthday person.

• Stayed long enough to prove you didn’t only come for free food.

• Wished them a happy birthday before disappearing.

You don’t need to announce your departure to the entire room like you’re boarding an international flight. Find the host, say goodbye and quietly fuck off.

5. Can you post birthday photos without permission?

Group photo where everyone looks reasonably human? Probably fine.

Close-up of the birthday person mid-sneeze, chewing cake or passed out with a party hat stuck to their forehead? Ask first, or post it from someone else’s phone!

6. Can you regift a birthday present?

Yes—but you need a reliable system.

Never regift something to the person who originally gave it to you. Never leave the old card inside the bag. 

A good regift finds a more appreciative home. A bad regift creates a family feud that gets mentioned every Christmas for the next decade.

Proceed carefully, you cheap cunt.

7. Are birthday speeches compulsory?

No. If nobody asked for a speech, don’t tap your glass and hold the room hostage.

If you are asked to say a few words, keep it short, affectionate and only mildly humiliating. This is not the time to reveal workplace secrets, discuss former partners or explain why the birthday person was once banned from a regional motel.

The perfect speech makes them laugh without forcing them to move interstate and change their name.

8. What if you forget their birthday?

Don’t pretend the card was delayed in the post. Nobody believes that shit anymore.

Admit it, apologise and make it up to them. A belated message is better than saying nothing and hoping they didn’t notice.

Not sure what to say? Try this…“I’m a shit friend, but in my defence, I barely know what day it is. Happy belated birthday, you fabulous fucker.”