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What the Fuck Do You Write in a Greeting Card? (We’ve Got You, Legend)

Oct 8th 2025 By Kitchen Language

You’ve nailed the gift. You’ve picked the perfect sweary Kitchen Language card. You’re feeling like an absolute legend. Then you open it up and…
Shit. Your mind has gone fucking blank.

Your brain suddenly forgets how to be funny. You panic and scribble “Best wishes” like you’re signing the office sympathy card for Gary from accounts. That's SHIT!

Don’t worry, we’ve got you. We’ve rounded up a bunch of cheeky, silly, and downright sweary messages that’ll make your mates laugh, your mum gasp, and your nan wonder where she went wrong.

Birthday Cards 🎂🎉

  • “Congrats on surviving another year of questionable life choices.”
  • “You’re not old, you’re just a classic cunt.”
  • “Another year closer to being a cranky pensioner who drinks before midday.”
  • “Age gracefully? Fuck that. Age disgracefully.”

                                               

Get Well Cards 🤒🍵

  • “Get well soon, you sick fuck. But also, milk it for as long as you can.”
  • “You’re tougher than Chuck Norris, you’ll be fine.”
  • “Hospitals are shit. Hope they’re giving you the good drugs.”
  • “Sending you healing vibes...you got this.”

                                                      

Love & Romance 💕🔥

  • “Roses are red, violets are blue, I’d still choose Netflix over you.”
  • “You’re my favourite pain in the arse.”
  • “Love you more than beer… and that’s saying something.”
  • “Let’s grow old and inappropriate together.”

                                               

Thank You Cards 🙏🍻

  • “Thanks, legend. I owe you a beer (or seven).”
  • “Appreciate the fuck out of you.”
  • “Cheers for being less of a dick than most people.”
  • “You didn’t have to help, but you did. What a bloody good cunt.”

                                                        

Christmas Cards 🎄🍹

  • “Merry Christmas ya filthy animal (and a happy New Beer).”
  • “Hope Santa brings you booze and inappropriate choices.”
  • “All I want for Christmas is… silence. And alcohol.”
  • “Fa la la la la, fuck this shit.”

                                                  

General All-Purpose Bullshit ✨

For when you don’t know what the occasion is but still want to write something:

  • “Here’s a card to prove I remembered.”
  • “Words are hard. Take this instead.”
  • “Insert heartfelt message here.”
  • “I couldn’t afford a gift so… enjoy this piece of folded cardboard.”

                                                     

Wrap It Up, Dickhead 🎁

See? Writing in a card doesn’t have to be awkward. You don’t need to be Shakespeare or write a speech that belongs at the Oscars. Just keep it cheeky, sweary, and short enough to fit inside without looking like a bloody essay.

And if you’re really stuck? Don’t overthink it. Let the card do the talking. That’s what our sweary, cheeky greeting cards are made for. You pick one, you scribble one of these silly messages inside, and boom — funniest cunt in the room.

Go on, shop the range of rude, hilarious cards at Kitchen Language and never be caught writing “best wishes” again.