How to Survive Winter Without Becoming a Shit Cunt

Everything becomes harder in winter.

Getting out of bed? Brutal.
Going to work in the dark? Illegal behaviour.
Showering? A gamble between comfort and hypothermia.

So in true Kitchen Language fashion, we’ve put together the ultimate guide to surviving winter without completely losing your shit.

1. Embrace the Rain, Let Mother Nature Wash Your Dishes!

Can't be fucked doing the dishes? Simply leave them outside and let Mother Nature have a crack at it.

Will they be clean? Probably not. Will they be wetter? Absolutely. Grab a Moist Mother Fucker tea towel, dry them off and chuck em back in the cupboard!

2. Introduce “Soup Season” Like You’re a Celebrity Chef

Nothing screams “I’m thriving” like aggressively announcing “Tonight we’re doing soup.”

Relax Gordon Ramsay, it’s just hot vegetables.

Bonus points if you serve it while wearing a Cunt Can Cook apron despite opening exactly one can and adding bread.

3. Keep Moving, Even If It’s Just Your Arms

Exercise helps, but let’s be honest — no one wants to go outside. Build your arm muscles up by swigging beer in a Fuck Face stubby holder! 

Movement + swearing = mood boost.

4. Lean Into Indoor Activities 

Winter is not the time for self-improvement.

This is your season to:
• Watch trash TV
• Bake up yummy treats in a Bitch Can Bake apron
• Binge lasagnes, toasties, curries, mulled wine and hot chocolates

5. Embrace Games Nights 

Invite some mates over, grab some takeaway and get the board games out! 

Make sure you also grab a couple of packs of cardboard coasters so you can play the ultimate game of Drunk Memory!

6. Start Celebrating Christmas in July Because Why the Fuck Not

Christmas in July is basically regular Christmas… but better.

No sweating through family arguments and no one pretending they enjoy sitting outside in 38-degree heat eating ham.

Just mates, beer, comfort food, fairy lights and someone wearing a Shits and Sizzles apron while burning garlic bread in the oven.

Final Thoughts

Winter is cold, dark, and occasionally soul-sucking, but it doesn’t have to turn you into a permanent shit cunt.

Stay warm. Stay fed. Less grumpy. More drunky!

— Kitchen Language